Housewives Don't Grow on Trees

The episode opened with Cynthia and Peter basking in a particularly dewy case of afterglow.”So good morning,” Cynthia harumphed in the kitchen.” So, what’d you think about the one year anniversary?” Peter smirked, without looking up. “I think it went great!” Blue birds sang, candy hearts appeared in little thought bubbles above their crabby heads. They moved on to the subject of their Mal storm and her outburst at the party. “There was a point where I was just really like, Is she drunk? Has she just lost her mind? Is she going through a mid-life crisis?” said Cynthia. These were all valid questions, even if they’re directly ripped from last season’s comment boards after the woman said I Do.

Kim had Kandi back over for lunch, though this time without her great defender Sheree. After all the tension that erupted between these one-time buddies over Kim’s brief music career, “we didn’t need anybody throwing extra sauce,” said Kandi. “Yeah, but what did you say about me?” shot back Kim. Oh God, this again. “I did agree as far as saying that I didn’t think you was going to be in Africa.” Ten bucks that Andy presents her with a black baby at the reunion so she can prove to the world that she would in fact hold one. They made up and after a lunch of Bagel Bites and Kraft Mac n’ Cheese played two out of three at Connect Four.

NeNe’s breasts and earring took a meeting with her divorce lawyer Randy and a nervous-looking associate named Thad. “I’m a good woman, if Gregg and I divorce somebody’s going to come along and scoot my good ole ass up,” she smugly told the audience at home. (Yes, and his name is John’s Wallet!) But the woman was having misgivings. Should she sign the papers or let her feelings simmer? A little bit of Thad died inside during her stalling and he started to think about what three toppings he was going to put on his salad at lunch.

It was Apollo’s big day, but the poor dear was nervous about speaking in front of a group. On the phone, Phaedra tried to pump up her man. Really woman? Your best advice for Apollo is to look in the audience at the Mason Lodge breakfast and imagine everyone nekkid. (My advice for the man: Don’t drive and read.) Apollo looked nervous up there with the mic, but then Phaedra and his baby appeared at the doorway like a scene straight out of Cameron Crowe movie. This relationship wins Season 4 Most Improved.

NEXT: Ugh, Dwight.

Say what you want about Sheree, but her children seem like good human beings. Tierra’s got a new job in television production (thanks for the hook-up, Bravo!) and she’s working weekends and liking it and oh yeah, she’s got some news. Sheree’s face went weird and frozen as her daughter said her boyfriend of seven years was talking about engagement rings. “You definitely need to have your own money set aside,” Sheree cautioned her child before launching into dispiriting lecture on the dampening effects of marriage—”all the thing you ever thought, all the things you ever dreamed, all the things they ever said, down the drain—which bled into news of her ongoing child support drama. Tierra bore her mother’s toxicity with impressive grace. I like this girl!

Oh Mal, get gone. The sad sister stopped by the modeling agency with news that she was leaving for France but she wanted to apologize first. “Let me explain my position,” she said by way of an opener. “When I see Peter I see negative.” This apology is gonna be good! “You are my sister, you’re not my marriage counselor,” Cynthia said, cutting her off. But if Mal had any good referrals, Cynthia could probably benefit.

We all could have lived without the sight of Dwight in tails and a full face of makeup at an out-of-the-way Georgia water park. “Look at these legs,” he said, admiring Phaedra in her best Esther Williams get-up. “Apollo look at that!” Apollo resumed his tight Season 3 smile, and looked like he wanted to jump in the deep end and not come back out. Interestingly, Sheree’s response to the whole hot, ridiculous affair summed up my response to recapping this particular season in general. “Oh this is so much fun,” she said in an inflection-less groan. “I’m having a ball.” Ayden was then presented with 12 different cakes and Dwight realized that the cherry Sno-Cone flavor doubled as a rouge in a pinch.”

Interstitial alert!: Lawrence called Marlo out once more on throwing around the f-word in South Africa. She batted her eyes, looked momentarily sheepish, and then explained she had to run because Niemans was holding their doors open late for her. “Get me a Chanel bag then you can call me as many names as you want,” said Lawrence, who I think should’ve long since showed Marlo the boot for stepping to his best pal Sheree in such outrageous fashion.

Speaking of Sheree, girl was pissed when her daughter’s boyfriend revealed that he’d already gone to Bob with his intentions. Damon tried to make it up to her by asking whether she’d like to counsel him as shopped for the ring. “You going to get at least three carats right?” Sheree said like a ninny. Nothing like setting the future generation up for a responsible financial life.

Meanwhile, NeNe pulled some Bethenny Frankel action and sat her good ole ass down on a therapist’s couch. Her dilemma: She wants Gregg to be there for her whenever she needs him but she doesn’t want him to ever need her. That’s fair, right? Her therapist pointed out that was a little like having your cake and eating it too. But John always lets her do that and when she walks into a room she owns it! Perhaps her therapist could recommend someone who would do a better job validating her?

In conclusion, Kandi wore a sequined smiley face oversized sweater to Nashville. But her song for Jo Dee Messina was pretty cute. An even split.

Well friends: Would NeNe’s clothes benefit from a simple hidden snap at the base of her cleavage? Did you like Kandi’s song? Did the sweater negate matters? Was Sheree inappropriate harshing Tierra and Damon’s buzz? How bad was Dwight’s ring around the collar after that pool party?

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